Oh, he’s a smoothie, isn’t he?
Perth’s own series two bachelor, 31-year-old auctioneer Blake Garvey, has a voice like melted chocolate, the kind of voice that would make him a suitable heir to the throne of FM radio’s recently retired “Love God” Richard Mercer.
It’s a voice (and perhaps a face and body, I guess) that has got the 23 (22?) ladies remaining in the hen house all in a tizzy, and already showing severe signs of Stockholm Syndrome.
“I really do want a single date with Blake, I want to be able to just go out and be all over him,” says Anita, a dog groomer.
“I’d love to have quality time with Blake,” adds Chantal, who so far hasn’t had the good fortune to even share quality time with a bunch of other love-starved women on a date with Blake.
But Blake, (via Osher Gunsberg, sporting a burgundy wool V-neck and looking increasingly like a Ken doll) predictably chooses Holly, the early favourite, for his first one-on-one date this evening.
The invitation, cryptically, reads, “Let’s get in tune with each other”, which suggests, I don’t know, autorepairs, or perhaps as one girl suggests, singing lessons at the Opera House.
Holly fares a little better than that, taking off with Blake on a sea plane for a scenic flight over Sydney before landing on a nearby island where they walk along the sand, tickle each other and run into an orchestra playing on the dunes. You know, just typical first-date stuff.
Holly, who was never had a boyfriend or been in love before, is overcome with emotion, and starts weeping, which is perhaps not entirely what Blake was hoping for on the first date.
Back at the house, the girls are about to open the second envelope containing the names of the group date.
“Are you feeling a little cheeky? It’s time to get down and dirty,” the letter reads, which sees snow princess Jess from episode one looking positively horrified.
Luckily for Jess, she’s not going on the date, but Chantal is included in the group, as is Laurina, who quickly assumed the title of queen bitch last week.
“Oh, muddy, woo! Lucky me,” says Laurina, barely looking up from painting her toenails.
This feigned nonchalance stems from her concern for the welfare of others, according to Laurina.
“I have definitely been holding back in expressing interest in Blake to any of the girls because I am super conscious about threatening any of them,” she says.
What a sweetheart.
Back on the beach, Blake surprises Holly with a fireplace and couch - what else?! - they talk, mainly about netball, and Blake gives her a rose.
They share an awkward kiss on the cheek that Holly would have preferred a few centimetres to the left (she tells herself it’s out of respect, we’re not convinced) and shrewdly adopts a coy attitude upon returning to the bachelorette pad.
The girls seem to share the opinion that Blake and Holly snogged - much better to have them think that than that perhaps he just wasn’t that into you, right Holly?
Later, the group date starts in dramatic fashion when the Yank, Amber, bursts into tears on arrival at some kind of horse ranch.
“I am, like, super allergic to horses, I get, like, super itchy, I break out in hives, I can’t breathe!” says Amber, by this point nearly hysterical.
She sends herself home.
Blake, who’s not quite as at home in these ludicrous environments as sometime model bachelor Tim was last year, strides out in a cowboy hat and check shirt, understandably looking a little sheepish.
He’s got it easy though - it’s the girls who have to put in the hard yards here. They’ve been tasked with trying to stay on the back of a motorised bucking bronco for as long as possible, using only one hand for support, presumably because Blake wanted to er, check out their riding skills.
Blonde, forthright Sam is up first, attempting to look sexy and not doing very well at it.
Laurina is better at the looking-sexy thing, but then she did have a head start on the others - she’s chosen to wear a skimpy, lingerie-revealing top that is more Victoria’s Secret than Annie Oakley.
She takes the bull by the horns quite literally, using her feet to grip them. It’s a contentious, possibly illegal move, but no one contests it so she wins the challenge and “Laurina rides off into the sunset with Blake and her side-boobs,” notes one failed challenger.
Blake admits to both being wary of and looking forward to some one-on-one time with Laurina, who resembles a brunette Barbie - very pretty in that would-melt-if-she-spent-five-minutes-in-the-sun kind of way.
Her interesting tactics so far have included walking off on Blake mid-conversation to maintain an air of mystery, but here she opens up ever so slightly, and Blake seems to be taken in by this. Or possibly by the side-boob.
They return to the group, who are enjoying some sort of barn dance, and Blake steals Sam away for a few minutes but does not give her, or any of the other girls, a rose that remains on the table all evening.
Just as well the rose ceremony is up next, the evening in which champers, cocktails, and flowers send desperation levels into the stratosphere.
Amber gets some one-on-one time with Blake, confesses to throwing some “adult tanties” over the horse allergy thing, and promptly regrets it.
Anita, who at this stage seems the most fragile of all the girls, tries to pluck up the courage to talk to Blake. Luckily for her he puts her out of her misery and approaches her first.
They’re enjoying a nervy chat when hawk-eyed Laurina, eyes glistening, asks if the girls think it’s too soon for her to interrupt.
“Go for it,” says Amber, confessing that “I wanted her to interrupt because I thought, everyone is going to hate on you.”
Laurina swoops, Anita crumbles and quickly bows out of the conversation, leaving the waxen beauty to work her magic.
Sam’s not happy that Anita was denied her moment. “Have some consideration for someone else for once in your f***ing life,” she snaps at Laurina.
Amber - quite outrageously given her involvement in the Anita ambush - tells Laurina that her issue with her is that she is inauthentic, and a second catfight ensues.
Lisa, a brunette from Queensland, is concerned when Laurina is left all by herself, and goes to comfort her, winning herself some brownie points with viewers at home if not yet with Blake himself.
The rose ceremony itself is equally fraught with drama. Holly suffers a spell and has to be taken to bed, while Amber nearly avoids being sent home.
“Now that is enough horsing around, Mister!” she says, before going in for a second hug.
“Amanda, you did not receive a rose,” says Andrew G, driving a superfluous, rusty nail into the shattered heart of the last girl standing.
Post-ceremony, the girls gather in the lounge to debrief, where Laurina declares that Sam apologised to her for her outburst, and calls on Amber to do the same.
Amber’s not budging, and they re-enter the slanging match.
Amber calls Laurina something - I could make out something that sounded like “daft bitch” but the censoring beep and shocked faces makes me think it was something much, much worse - and storms out of the room.
Tomorrow night, Holly must make a decision that could put an end to her time in the house, and nice girl Lisa gets good karma in the form of a one-on-one date with Blake.
Three episodes in and it’s game on, bitches.
