It's Oscar time so squeeze into your ill-fitting gown or tuxedo and load up on booze and Botox.
The 92nd Academy Awards gets underway in Hollywood on Sunday (Monday noon AEDT) and while you have no chance of looking as good as Scarlett Johansson or Brad Pitt there is some great news.
You can appear intelligent.
You could also make a pile of cash.
Picking this year's Oscar winners in your office competition is as easy as finding spelling mistakes and exclamation points in @realDonaldTrump tweets.
We're thin on Australian nominations, although my biased star power analysis rates one Margot Robbie nomination equal to 12 Aussie sound editors, eight production designers, four cinematographers and a partridge in a pear tree.
This year, more than any other year, the winners are clear.
Follow the below guide and you will dominate your office Oscar pool.
Winner: Joaquin Phoenix for Joker.
Joaquin ticked all of the necessary boxes Academy voters look for.
Did you starve yourself or pile on a heap of weight? Yep. Starved.
Are you an Oscar loser? Yep. He has been nominated three previous times and does not have a win.
Does he play a character who is not the full quid? Yep.
Congrats Mr Phoenix.
Renee Zellweger ... will not win for Judy.
Everyone thinks it will be Renee because they like the comeback story.
Renee went from one of Hollywood's hottest to disappearing between 2010 and 2016 ... and now she's back playing Judy "I'll have one more drink" Garland.
The Oscar goes to ...
Winner: Cynthia Erivo for Harriet.
Not only is Cynthia excellent playing the great American abolitionist and political activist (and any other role) but she is the only actor of colour nominated in the four acting categories.
The Academy's voters received a deserved public flogging for their snubbing of diversity and the #OscarsSoWhite hashtag made a return.
You don't think a significant number of Academy voters will be looking to make amends?
Winner: Brad Pitt for Once Upon a Time... in Hollywood.
The Pittster won an Oscar for 12 Years a Slave in 2014 but that was for producing the best picture winner.
Just like Joaquin, he has been nominated for acting Oscars three times and lost them all.
And ... we finally forgive him for ditching Jennifer for Angelina.
Winner: Laura Dern for Marriage Story.
We want our Gold Coast gal Margot to win for Bombshell but Laura D has this wrapped up.
Laura plays an alpha, ball-crushing Los Angeles divorce lawyer similar to her Big Little Lies role where she plays an alpha, ball-crushing executive ... but the Oscar is hers.
Winner: Not a female director.
Yep, Academy voters messed up again filling the five directing slots with men.
The winner will be ... Quentin Tarantino for Once Upon a Time.. in Hollywood.
There will be a push for South Korea's Bong Joon Ho for Parasite but the Academy will flick him the International Film (formerly Foreign Language category) Oscar as a consolation and maybe original screenplay.
Winner: Once Upon a Time in... Hollywood.
Shocked? Don't be. Hollywood is ready to load Tarantino up with best picture and directing Oscars after previously flicking him two screenplay trophies (Pulp Fiction in 1995 and Django Unchained in 2013).
Every scene was a masterpiece in directing, production design and acting and (most importantly) Hollywood loves Hollywood.
The Academy also favours classic American films for best picture - Green Book last year and Moonlight, Spotlight, Birdman, 12 Years a Slave and Argo.
In your office pool pick 1917 in the technical categories: cinematography; visual effects; sound mixing; sound editing; production design etc.
What about Jojo Rabbit? Sorry Kiwis. It was a clever movie but unless you have Frodo or Gollum in it you won't win an Oscar.
Wait a sec. That's nasty. How about we give Taika Waititi adapted screenplay for Jojo Rabbit?
What about The Irishman and Marty Scorsese?
Get ready for a big snub.
The Irishman is three hours and 29 minutes long.
It was great we could watch it on Netflix because we could easily pause, go to the toilet, paint the house and draw up a Middle East peace plan before going back to watch another 20 minutes and then pause and go wash the dog.
Scorsese's editor Thelma Schoonmaker is up for editing.
What did she cut?
Australian Associated Press