A colleague was once having problems at work. She felt they stemmed from the fact she was too genial. And it was true – this person was an unusually likeable woman, with an excellent sense of humour, a quick wit and a propensity to take on more than her fair share of work for the good of the team.
She came to me and said, "Jonathan, you're an aloof and moody jerk; how do I stop people from thinking I'm their best workplace friend?" I scowled at her silently for a full 30 seconds and then passed on these caustic recommendations: Scowl at people silently for as many as 30 seconds at a time. Only the most genial people won't walk away, scared.
Reserve hellos for the people you like. Those on the next friendliness rung down can be allocated eyebrow raises and pressed-lip smiles. Give everyone else small grunts of acknowledgement, if anything.
When you see a time-waster approaching your desk, snap a wooden pencil and swear loudly as if infuriated by a recently received email. If the person decides not to abort their mission of stupidity and begins to speak to you, snap another pencil.
Build your jaw muscles so that jaw-clenching becomes an unmissable and dramatic method of warding off idiotic requesters. A wordless bulge of the masseter (the muscle near the point of your jawbone) is a wonderfully subtle alternative to "eff off".
My colleague was far too kind a person to put any of this sourpussery into practice, but you can.
Jonathan Rivett is also a moody jerk at www.haught.com.au. (This one's for a friend and flaneuse.)
